We're All In the Same Spot

(via watsonlove)

thatshowyoufeel:

vardaesque:

saevuswinds:

vardaesque:

you don’t understand i would sell my firstborn to know how this story started

Well it all started when Mrs. Hayfer wanted me to babysit her dumb house. When I got the keys, I sat them on top of this pie that I found on the counter. I knew it was going to be given to the family for desert if I didn’t eat it soon, so I was going to plan to eat it in my teacher’s house and dump all the crumbs on her bed. So it’s a win-win, right? Besides, she wouldn’t find out about the crumbs until after I was paid, and this teacher hates me anyway. Then, I got distracted when this hot cheerleader calls me, asking about what movie I’d recommend, but before I could answer, I realize that my mom would be there any second to serve dinner, and there was no way I was sharing that pie. So I bust out of there with the pie and the keys, and the moment I get in the house, I start chowing down on the pie with my bare hands, trying to eat this thing before anyone knows I took it, right? Well, since the pie crust was dry, I chugged a 2-liter bottle of soda whenever my throat would get dry and eventually, I really needed “to go.” Only when I went to flush, the water wouldn’t stop flowing and there was no plunger to be found. Usually I’d just shrug and say it was Josh’s fault or something, but let’s get real here, Mrs. Hayfer would’ve blamed me about her toilet overflowing if I was 30 states away. So I jammed my foot in there, hoping it’d make the toilet stop flushing. Then my phone rings, and I knew it was my mom, asking where her pie went, and because Meghan decided it’d be a great idea to make my ring tone a bunch of cats meowing, Mrs. Hayfer’s dog, Tiberius starts freaking out, bashing into the door over and over again. Now anyone who knows this dog knows that this dog will happily eat anything, and that includes the pie, and probably myself.  So my foot’s totally stuck in there right, I’m freaking out and I still got half a pie left. 

BLESS YOU

My goodness

(via ruinedchildhood)

(via 10knotes)

thefuuuucomics:

gambler-x:

im-the-doctor-basically-run:

tacticalhoneybadger:

miss-operator:

cerebralzero:

reparations:

moistnugget:

reparations:

unsubstantiatedrumors:

involved6:

cerebralzero:

bulletbutt:

Don’t move, tumblr. This is a stick up. Give me all your notes and nobody gets hurt.

Not so fast sonny boy, drop the SKS and no one will be losing any notes here.

Everybody stay frosty. No one has to close their account today if we all just stay calm.

I’ll waste the lot of you

Hände hoch, bitches. Gib mir alle ihre notizen!

NYET.

3 it is.. let’s get this party started.

Is that 3 nuggets up there? this is getting out of hand lol

I HAVE A GUN BONER. 

What? What’s all this fuckery?

Oh shit, it’s a gunblr showdown!

Mama always said this day’d come!

EVERYBODY BE FUCKIN’ COOL!

WOAH Calm down! Guns don’t solve problems. 

Weeeeeellllllllll… ok they solve SOME problems, like an attacking spaceship or being chased by a dinosaur, but USUALLY guns don’t solve problems.

There. I’ve disabled them. Now none of your guns work.

Go to your rooms and think about what you’ve done.

Don’t make me tell you again.

Woops! Sorry Doc, but look what I got.

A flintlock pistol, and know what flintlock pistols are mainly composed of?

Wood.

THE MEN OF TUMBLR

(via 10knotes)